It must be very hard to miss something that does not ever miss you.
My brain hurts.
I’m actually having a much more difficult time than I am letting everyone see. Sometimes it hurts to breathe.
It’s those moments in the early morning when I feel his breath on the back of my neck and the warmth of his arms tucked around my small frame, it is the moment right before I begin to cry that his eyes meet mine and he knows to pull me in, it is in those moments that I realize that I’ve done something right with my life.
The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. On October 4th at 6:30pm I lost my wonderful father. I cannot even put into words my feelings. My heart absolutely aches and my thoughts run dry more and more each day. Although we knew this was coming and he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, it will never prepare you for the actual moment. I am lucky enough to have been by his side when he took his last breath.
My father and I were not always close. We did not always get along well, at all really. But when he was diagnosed last November we were able to reach a common ground and put all stubborn build up aside. For the past ten months my family and I did everything together and created memories that will be etched in my mind for forever. A week before my father died he told me that he was so thankful. I was extremely confused because thankful was the last thing I felt. My father told me that his cancer brought me back to him. That of all of this, I was the good that came out of it. I still think of this moment and cry, even now just typing it I am in tears. My father was the type of man who saw the good in everything, even in pancreatic cancer.
What it comes down to is, love who you have, don’t waste time, don’t hold grudges; one day you will want that time back.
I love you, Daddy.
Seriously, thank god I have Brian in my life. The next few weeks are going to be the worst few weeks of my life so far and I know that I would not be able to make it through them in one piece without him. He holds me together when all I want to do is fall into a million pieces and down into the cracks in the wood.
I’m trying really hard to pull myself through this in one piece. Every single song or phrase pokes at my emotions like I’ve never experienced. Everything in my life is in such a beautiful place except for my dads health. And I’m completely starting to lose my shit over it. And I feel so guilty now for having missed out on time together that at one point seemed infinitely dispensable. Now every day is a gift and I hate having let so many days go to waste in the past. I know it’s something we can’t fix now, and it isn’t something to feel guilty about, but I can’t help it. I’m so torn into pieces.